"The Wheel of Darkness" Falls Flat

Today, Smarty Pants reviews Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child's latest Pendergast novel: The Wheel of Darkness.

In this thriller, Aloysius Pendergast and his ward, Constance Greene, go to a remote Tibetan monestary to heal the spiritual wounds they suffered at the hands of Pendergast's various evil relatives and acquaintances. Trouble is, an extremely dangerous object has been stolen from the monks, so naturally it's up to Pendergast and Greene to find it... even though they don't actually know what it is.

They track it down to a luxury ocean liner on its maiden voyage across the Atlantic. There, they have to contend with a viscious serial killer, a dangerous misanthropic Naval officer, a terrible storm, a mysterious ghostly phantom, and an Aloysius Pendergast gone crazy.

And yet, through all that, The Wheel of Darkness falls short of the successes that preceded it. The main reason for its failure is the authors' unaccountable decision to remove all the characters with whom the audience has the most empathy. It was with a great deal of disappointment that I realized this book would contain no hint of Vincent D'Agosta, Bill Smithback, Margo Green, Nora Kelly, or Viola Maskelene. This creates the problem that most of the character interaction is between Pendergast and Greene, whose personalities are far too similar for an interesting dialogue. This is in sharp contrast to Pendergast's interaction with characters like D'Agosta and Smithback. Unfortunately, the trouble doesn't end there.

If there's one thing Preston and Child almost never seem to get right, it's a good villain. Sure, Job from Still Life with Crows was fascinating, but he's the exception that proves the rule. Leng and Fairhaven were non-characters with barely a hint of personality, Frock was seriously underdeveloped, and Diogenes was nothing more than Pendergast with a sinister twist. Count Foscoe doesn't count because he was copied from Wilkie Collins. In spite of this marked shortcoming, the books in which these characters appear were excellent.

Yet in The Wheel of Darkness, this weakness reaches a high point. Preston and Child were simply unable to come up with anything resembling a good villain. Instead, they resorted lamely to a simple motif of harmful sensation.

Now don't misinterpret me. The Wheel of Darkness isn't great like most of Preston and Child's books are, but it is still a good read. It's interesting, rather than rivetting.

Smarty Pants Sez: Recommended, though not nearly as good as Still Life with Crows, Brimstone, Dance of Death, and Book of the Dead.

Caveats: While it's good by most standards, it's bad by Preston and Child standards. Fans of the series, prepare to be disappointed.

"10,000 BC" YAWN

It's not a good sign when the most exciting, action-packed scene in your movie involves a dodo.

10,000 BC"is bad. Not the "good" bad, either.

See, some movies are so unabashedly, mind-numbingly, powerfully bad that you can't help but enjoy them (yes, I mean Snakes on a Plane). These movies are driven to fantastic heights of camp by the straight-faced performances of overly committed actors who seem to be having a great time.

Then there's the "bad" bad. Movies in which the one-dimensional characters just stumble along, muttering lines of momentous cliche without a hint of deep emotion, as though wading through a bog of apathy. These movies are bad because the actors are apparently not having a good time, and that translates to the audience. Without committed actors, even the most inspired storyline can become mired in this type of ennui.

And the plot of 10,000 BC is definitely inspired (read "ripped off"). It follows the story of a tribal hunter named D'Leh (Steven Strait) whose girlfriend, Evolet (Camilla Belle) is enslaved by the evil ancient Egyptians (huh?). The evil Egyptians are using slaves and woolly mammoths to build the three pyramids of Giza and the sphinx, you see (all in "10,000 BC", no less; yeah, my inner historian is having an aneurysm too). Naturally, the caucasian D'Leh sets out after her, in the process raising an army of black tribesmen to fight the Egyptians. Not to mention near-plagiarizing such sources as Apocalypto, One Million Years BC, and the book of Exodus.

You think maybe I'm reading too much into the fact that D'Leh is a caucasian leader of a black army? And that his symbol of authority is the White Spear? And that Evolet is routinely referred to as "the Blue-Eyed Child"?

Yeah, probably. I'm just groping for a reason to endure this snorefest, and maybe latent racism will do the trick. The problem is that the movie is just so boring. D'Leh barely has to do anything to fulfill his quest, since the director shamelessly uses old shaman ladies and "prophecies" as a Deus ex Machina.

Smarty Pants Sez: 10,000 BC is bad. Not just bad, "bad" bad. Don't see it.

Caveats: It's an epic movie without much of a plot, a romance without drama, a war movie without action, and a bad movie without camp. But hey, if you like dodo's and woolly mammoths, you might enjoy it. A little.

"Persian Fire" is Smokin'

Making a modern, historically accurate account of events that occurred 450-500 years before Christ is no easy task, and neither is compiling the information into a fascinating narrative for a wide audience. Tom Holland has accomplished both in his book Persian Fire: The First World Empire and the Battle for the West, an engaging account of the Persain War against Greece.

There are few historical periods more shrouded in myth and legend than the Persian War, especially the famous stand of the "300 Spartans" in the Thermopylae pass. It's easy to find exaggerated or romanticised portrayals of the events of the Persian War, but as Holland points out in his preface:

As is so often the case, the truth is both messier and more intriguing than
the myth (xviii)

In other words, 300 this ain't.

Holland goes beyond merely relating the story of Thermopylae, Marathon, or Salamis. Instead, he relates the entire history of Persia, Sparta, and Athens (in that order) each from their founding to just before the fateful clash. In this way, the reader recieves a valuable context with which to understand the famous battles that would go down in history. You see, the war between Persia and Greece was not simply a conflict of interest between neighbors; it was a monumental collision between two groups of people whose culture, government, language, and basic perspective were so fundamentally different that they hardly seemed the same species.

Over time, the Persian perspective would be adopted into subsequent Near Eastern empires including the Muslim Caliphate whose influence continues strongly to this day. Meanwhile, the Greek influence is so overt in the cities of Europe and the United States that it barely needs mentioning. Were it not for the Greeks' seemingly impossible expulsion of the Persian armies and navies from Europe, there may not have been a "Western history" at all.

So the material is relevant to us today, but is it a good read? You betcha'. Holland has a knack for giving illustrative anecdotes that give the whole thing a very human, down to earth feel. He also fully explains the immediate importance of each major event in the fifty year confrontation that helps the reader fully appreciate the importance of the events. It's far superior to the dry list of names and dates most people associate with history texts. Persian Fire has history, drama, action, war, politics, honor, betrayal, and a big bibliography. What's not to like?

Smarty Pants Sez: Persian Fire is highly recommended, especially for the amateur historian/classicist.

Caveats: This is history, and although Tom Holland is a great story teller, things don't always turn out the way you want. Be aware of this as you read.

Classics Corner: "Cyrano de Bergerac"

If there's one thing I love, it's old school cinema.

So a black-and-white movie released in 1950, based on a play written in 1897, based in turn on the life of a 1600s swashbuckler/author is right up my alley.

The story follows Cyrano (a spot-on performance by Jose Ferrier), a dashing duelist and dramatist of 1640 France. Although he's a poor soldier, Cyrano draws the respect and admiration -not to mention jealousy- of Parisians great and small thanks to his unequalled skill with sword and pen and his razor sharp rhetorical wit. However, Cyrano's macho posturing turns out to be only a cover for his delicate ego.

Cyrano's problem is, he has a big nose. Huge even- like six inches long, and he's very sensitive about it. He's convinced that he's ugly, and so he never pursues the woman he secretly loves with a passion: his childhood companion (and distant cousin) Roxanne. Determined to see her happy, he even helps another man woo her, the handsome but not too bright Christian. An irreverent comedy ensues, in which Cyrano feeds sweet poetry to Christian who in turn repeats it (as best he can) to Roxanne. She falls for the words, not knowing that they were truly written by her just-a-friend, while Christian reeps the kisses without any idea of Cyrano's own passion for Roxanne.

Uh oh, I'm afraid I've led the poor reader astray. It looks like I'm reviewing a boring chick flick, doesn't it? Another movie about innocent deception and the resulting awkward romantic situations. Like Pillow Talk if Rock Hudson had a big nose.

Banish the thought! Cyrano de Bergerac has some excellently choreographed duel scenes as well as rivetting battle sequences. Cyrano himself is a real man's man; a swaggering action hero who's willing to face death for his devotion, laughs at impossible odds, and don't take no crap offa' nobody. Sort of a talkative Clint Eastwood.

But for all it's attention grabbing surface flair, Cyrano de Bergerac is at heart a substantial work, which manages to deal seriously and artfully with love, devotion, and tragic sacrifice. Even its most light hearted scenes use dialogue of such wit and charm that they stand head and shoulders above the inferior soundbites of the best modern movies.

Of course a lot of the movie's success is the result of Jose Ferrier's brilliant charisma in the title role. Ferrier sometimes has to carry his less skilled fellow performers, most notably Roxanne herself, but this takes very little from enjoyment of the movie. This is a truly great movie for the ages.

Smarty Pants Sez: Cyrano de Bergerac is highly recommended.

Caveats: None. Stop what you're doing and go watch it. Right now. What are you waiting for?

"The Bank Job", not a bad job

Don't let the "Based on a true story" caption fool you. The Bank Job has exactly what you expect from entirely fictional heist pictures (kinda makes you wonder...).

Basically, if you take Ocean's 11, add some Snatch, throw in just a dash of Sherlock Holmes and the Red-Headed League, and cut out pretty much all the humor, you've got The Bank Job. It's the story of a small time, loanshark-ridden used car salseman named Terry (Jason Stratham, not fighting for once and not acting as always) who gets a tip about a bank whose alarms will be down for one week, leaving the safe deposit boxes in the vault up for grabs. Being a family man, Terry makes the smart choice for his wife and daughters and takes the chance. He and his partner Martine (Saffron Burrows) bring in a little group of petty crooks and lowlife porn actors to help with the heist. Trouble is, our merry band of misfits don't know that they've been set up by a secret government operative who wants the contents of one of the safe deposit boxes destroyed with minimal government involvement. He's content to let our heroes have most of the goods at first, but he's willing to have our heroes quietly "erased" to protect the secret in the vault.

But that's just the beginning. The bank job has sent waves throughout London society that sets everyone from lords to drug lords, brothel proprietors to government agents, ruthless porn thugs to brutal black extremist groups, and cops both crooked and straight against our heroes. See, Terry and company just happened to pick the one closet in London where every powerful lowlife -from the street to the crown- stores there skeletons. Our heroes are in way over their heads and there only hope is to get out of this mess alive.

Stratham has a good screen presence, but he can't act well enough to pull off the emotional scenes with his very justifiably worried wife (one of only two characters with a hint of scruples). Also, the director uses shots of enhanced breasts way more than necessary. Yeah yeah, I get the point, crime is fun and sexy and has no consequences. Even so, this movie is one heck of a fun ride. There are no notable performances, but this movie is still good for its fast paced action and suspense.

Smarty Pants Sez: The Bank Job is recommended.

Caveats: This is a fun movie, but lacking in substance. If you want to see heart rending performances, or you really don't want to have a lot of silicone-laden nipples pushed in your face, don't see it.

"Never Back Down" Never Steps Up.

If you see Never Back Down, you'll get exactly what you pay for. A by the numbers throwback to '80s fight movies.

Its oh-so-predictable story follows misunderstood-angry-brunet-brawler-with-fatherhood-issues JakeTyler (Sean Faris, who looks and acts eerily like Tom Cruise) who moves to Orlando, where he gets lured into fighting popular-asshole-angry-blond-brawler-with-fatherhood-issues Ryan McDonald (Cam Gigandet, who looks and acts suspiciously like Iceman from Top Gun) by boring-attractive-blonde-popular-girl-who-really-has-a-good-heart-and-brain-on-the-inside Baja (Amber Heard, whose excessively made-up Caucasian features make the name Baja sound like a self parody). After losing badly, Jake undergoes an intensive martial arts training montage under wise-foreign-bald-peaceful-yet-tough-martial-arts-guru-with-fatherhood-issues Jean Roqua (Djimon Hounsou, who probably doesn't need that accent anymore) so that he can eventually take on McDonald in The Tournament (betcha can't guess who wins). Along the way, everyone learns to value peace and shun violence (in a truly impressive display of hypocrisy).

To be fair, there are some good things about it. Cliche as it is, it is well shot and not terribly written, though sometimes the homages to Rocky get a little too obvious. Djimon Hounsou's performance is as good as ever, and the fight choreography is both realistic and exciting. If you're into fight movies and you don't mind checking your brain at the theater entrance, this is a fair distraction.

Smarty Pants Sez: Never see Never Back Down. Not worth the time.

Caveats: If you like fight movies and don't mind a lot of cliche, wait and rent it. Or better yet, rent Rocky IV.

"Baudolino" Triumphant

Just to start things off with a bang, my first review will be one of the most captivating and mystifying tales of our generation, by none other than the brilliant Umberto Eco. Today, Smarty Pants reviews Baudolino.

Baudolino is the name of the hero, a charming rogue of a twelfth-century peasant whose quick wit and gift for telling lies wins him the favor of the Emperor Frederick Barbarossa. From Frederick's house, Baudolino sets off on a seris of grand adventures across the medieval world, each more fantastic than the last. Along the way, he acquires a cadre of quirky friends who join him on the most unbelievable quest of all: to the legendary kingdom of Prester John.

Baudolino bills itself as a light-hearted romp through the intriguing history of the middle ages, and it is that. It's also at times a highly cerebral evaluation of the complex history and politics of Europe in the twelfth century. Even so, it also manages to draw the reader emotionally into the hero's life. You find yourself laughing with him when his crazy schemes pay off, or crying when he experiences devastating loss.

The real pleasure of Baudolino comes from the history. Since this book seamlessly weaves known historical events into the plot, and often "reveals" them to be the result of Baudolino's machinations, the reader gets treated to a hearty belly-laugh at his own ignorance. Anyone with a good basic knowledge of history will appreciate the jesting skepticism. Further, if you know a bit about medieval European history, you'll be able to pat yourself on the back for "getting" hilarious jokes that most people would miss.

I said 'biography' earlier, but that isn't quite right. Baudolino is more of an autobiography, because its framing device sets up the tale as an old Baudolino relating his life story to a Byzantine refugee named Niketas. Baudolino's interlocutor is no mere Macguffin for plot convenience. On the contrary, Niketas' insightful, profound, and funny exchanges with Baudolino are one of the high points of the book.

Ultimately, Baudolino is a cautionary tale, almost a fable whose moral is that we really know much less than we think we do. With adventure, romance, and fantasy, it reminds us in a fun way not to take history -or ourselves- too seriously.

Smarty Pants Sez: Baudolino is a must-read.

Caveats: Umberto Eco is an expert in medieval history and an intellectual heavyweight. Baudolino is certainly not the heaviest thing Eco has written by a long shot, but it still requires some serious mental muscle to tolerate, let alone enjoy. A good basic knowledge of medieval history, European languages, theology, and mythology will really come in handy to appreciate it. Of course, if you're not interested in learning about history or enjoying a great book, you can always go here.

Smarty Pants Intro

Greetings and salutations, my soon-to-be devoted readers. I'm Smarty Pants, your source for intelligent, accessible, and useful media reviews.

There are tons of great books to read and movies to watch out there, and even more complete duds that look great only in the trailer or the dust jacket. Let's face it, we all want to enjoy fun evenings at the movies with friends, or spend hours engrossed in a gripping page-turner. Then again, we don't want to get suckered into wasting our money and time on mindless schlock or pseudo-intellectual tripe. What ever shall we do?

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That's right, Smarty Pants will give you honest, insightful, and smart reviews that will tell you exactly what you need to have the best time you can, either at the movies or at home. And don't worry; this is a No Spoiler Zone.

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